RESOURCES FOR FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS 

I believe that the most important thing for caregivers to know is that there are no magic words. No matter how eloquent we might be – we cannot erase the loss. We help best by our silent presence and support. One of the statements from Randy Becton that has been especially meaningful is his declaration that mourners often "need to forgive their friends." If you have to say something consider these words of comfort. Avoid the phrases in red but forgive yourself if you've used them in the past. Consider this wise counsel from Dr. Virgil Fry, Executive Director of Lifeline Chaplaincy:

Some Alternative Statements When Confronting the Crisis of Grief . . . 
​
Instead of: “I know exactly how you feel.”
Try: “I can only imagine what you are going through.”
 
Instead of: “At least he doesn’t have to suffer anymore.”
Try: “He suffered through a lot didn’t he?”
 
Instead of: “It’s God’s will.”
Try: “One comfort I find is God’s promise never to abandon us.”
 
Instead of: “Take this valium – it will calm you down.”
Try: “Do you feel like talking right now?”
 
Instead of: “She wouldn’t want you to grieve.”
Try: “It’s hard to say goodbye, isn’t it?”
 
Instead of: “Don’t cry – you’ll only make it worse.”
Try: “Sometimes tears are the best way to express our feelings.”
 
Instead of: “This death is a great victory for God.”
Try: “Even with the promise of resurrection, it hurts to give them up.”

 
Instead of: “You can’t be angry with God.”
Try: “God understands even when we’re upset.”

 
Instead of: “At least you have other family members.”
Try: “There’s no way to replace the one you’ve lost, is there?”

 
Instead of: “Don’t you think it’s time to get on with living your life?”
Try: “Everyone has to grieve in their own way, don’t they?”

 
Instead of: “Don’t talk about the funeral – it’ll only make you sad.”
Try: “We can talk about whatever you want.”

 
Instead of: “Time heals all wounds.”
Try: “Time will lessen the pain, but you’ll always have a part of him/her with you.”

 
Instead of: “You’ve got to be strong.”
Try: “I want you to know it’s okay to be yourself around me.”


 
Statements Grievers Need to Hear
     I care.

(Can be communicated in hundreds of ways, with words, touch, prayers, actions, eye contact, etc.)Used with gratitude and by permission from: Disrupted: Finding God in Illness & Loss (Leafwood, 2007)

©2007

Virgil Fry
Executive Director of Lifeline Chaplaincy
Houston, Dallas & Central Texas
Phone:             713-524-1055   
  
For more information on Lifeline and Dr. Fry: http://www.lifelinechaplaincy.org 

For Leafwood Press: http://www.leafwoodpublishers.com